Just Another Fanfic
by penguintango
Summary: The thoughts of the fandom's Hermione. One shot.


Just Another Fanfic  
  
The real disclaimer: I own nothing; it's all Rowling's. Duh. This is  
rated PG for language and suggestive dialogue, I suppose it's called. Nothing too horrifying. Oh, and please review. But keep the insults to constructive criticism, we don't need to send my self esteem plummeting. Thank you.  
Bundles, Sam  
  
Disclaimer: I am not the real Hermione. The real one belongs to Rowling. (Lucky bitch.) I belong to the fandom.  
  
You might not believe me, but it's a lonely life. So it wasn't all that strange for me to seek console, and thank God, I found someone whom I'm not actually... romancing.  
Dumbledore grinned, "That's only if you don't go for the Ron = Dumbledore plan."  
"Shut up."  
Dumbledore sighed, "But then again, you might not. And if that's true, you're right. I am the only one in this school not getting any action. I'm sure that'll be fixed eventually."  
"Sorry sir, you don't get a lot of grannies who write smut."  
The same self-assured smile was planted on his face. "Someday, somebody will love my fantastic body."  
"Don't make me leave."  
He brought his eyes up from his paperwork. "Why are you here, again?"  
  
"You're in the only in Hogwarts I haven't...well...you know."  
"Oh, surely there's someone. A teacher? I'm sure Professor McGonagall would be much more adept to...handle this."  
"No comment." Dumbledore made a face. "You see, sir, I can't control my actions. The real Hermione is off leading a semi-normal relationship with *insert Hermione's dream person here,* while I'm stuck living out thousands of people's sick fantasies. Teachers, parents, mentors, students. You name it, I've done it.... I don't even wanna talk about the hippogriff."  
"Ouch."  
"And the thing is, the only one I want is *insert H's dream person here.* I mean he/she's just so...." I let out a pathetic sigh. I am not that kind of girl. "I mean, I am the quintessential Hermione. I'm an innocent whore, an ignorant genius, the cool loser, the..."  
"I get the point. You know, I really do have work to do. You're going to have to leave." I seethed under my breath as I stood and headed to the door.  
"And...Hermione? Are you free Saturday night?"  
I glared at him, "That depends, would you like to join in with Remus and Snape, or Harry and Sirius?"  
"Ah...I see. Perhaps later?" A pause, "Wait... but Sirius is dead."  
I scoffed, "Go catch up on your reading. Sirius never actually died, he was beyond a luminous veil. He was trapped in solitude for a year, and the only thing that kept him sane was thinking about my youthful countenance."  
"Isn't that a little extreme?"  
"I wish," I said, as a slammed the door behind me.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
I took the stairs to the great hall quickly. I was late. This means the people who would fancy me today already had the scripts. Consequently, I wouldn't have a clue what was happening until Malfoy attempted to undo my bra.  
I thudded down the last of the stairs only to see Malfoy himself standing at the bottom. He sneered as I reached the bottom. "We're together today, Granger." He sidled to my side and I felt his arm reach around my waist, like a snake.  
"Oh, joyous occasion." We continued to walk. "Any idea where we're going?"  
He looked at me, "Honestly, Mudblood, how am I supposed to know? The script says we walk in each other's arms until we reach the Forbidden Forest." I shrugged; the Forbidden Forest couldn't be that bad. Perhaps Malfoy would be eaten before he could try anything. I had my wand on me, and I knew how to take care of myself. I had a feeling the only wand Malfoy had remembered was in his...never mind.  
We arrived at the edge of the forest and Malfoy lead me into a small clearing. He pushed me onto a tree stump and dropped to one knee.  
"Hermione, I've always loved you. And deep in your heart, I know you love me too."  
I leaned over and gently whispered in his ear, "My dearest Draco, what lame, sad person wrote this script?" I returned to sitting position and tried to look reasonably infatuated. It's not an easy task. "Why don't we go find some place a little more comfortable?" His eyes were still cold behind his smile as he picked me up and took me to the Quidditch Field.  
I muttered, "Classy Malfoy, very classy." He threw me to the ground, and I sat up suddenly. "Malfoy, you scumbag, I want to see that script." He pulled it out and I went to the page. Damn, he wasn't making this up. Someone really did have a Quidditch fetish. He sat down and leaned over me, and I heard a familiar voice.  
"Malfoy, get off of her."  
"Oh, thank God... Hey, Ron." He smiled and led me off the field.  
"It's one of those numbers where you're interrupted."  
I kept back a smile, "Scheming red head...always interrupts the lurid Slytherin-Gryffindor affairs." I paused, "I really ought to read the scripts before I start these things."  
"Hey, I have to do something all day, I just finished a little bit in the greenhouses."  
"How did you get here, anyway?"  
"I apparated."  
I fumed, "Will you ever read Hogwarts, A History?" I turned to him in disgust, "You can't apparate on school..." Ron's only response was a huge grin supported by the restrained laughter in his eyes.  
"Funny. Very funny." I countered dryly. My mouth was twitching, begging for me to let it smile.  
"Besides, I had to pick you up anyway. You're in my next script." Not too bad. After all, there are worse things. I looked over my shoulder at the Quidditch field.  
"So, where are we headed?" I grabbed the script. "Hogsmeade? Sounds better than a Quidditch field." Ron laughed as he grabbed my hand for the trip to Hogsmeade.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
We were having a chummy time, actually. We spent a bit just walking around and talking about school, home, and work. I went to Zonko's and smiled as Ron looked through the bins. I eventually joined in the hunt for a prank. Something for Harry that was more amusing than uncomfortable. We finally settled on an odd candy that turned your face purple, as Harry had been griping about the color purple for no apparent reason yesterday. We went for some candy, and decided to split a bag of Bertie Bott's. We took turns daring each other to eat the suspicious ones.  
After a bit, I looked at him and asked, "Why didn't we bring Harry along? He would've had a good time."  
Ron turned to me, "Because then he would know about this." After he finished, he gently turned my face to his, and he kissed me. I'd read this script, I was expecting it. Something hit me, though, and I actually gave some sort of gasp. It must have sounded like I was dying to Ron, but he didn't pull away.  
Looking back on it, it was odd. I do this a lot, it's part of my job. Normally, I'm just waiting for it to end, just because I'm Hermione Granger: Smut Star doesn't mean I don't have homework.  
But what really pissed me off was not knowing if I'd actually felt something, or if this writer had bothered to include some emotion behind the action.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
At lunch, it was just Harry and me. Ron was off facing something disastrous with his family.  
"I hate this life. It's not logical, it's stupid, and it's not really a life."  
Harry shrugged, "I think we're lucky, in different ways."  
"Sure we are." I rolled my eyes.  
"No, really. I get to visit my parents in some of the odd fics. Sirius doesn't have to stay dead forever. The possibilities are endless with this many story lines." One of the endearing things about Harry, he has a tendency to smile whenever he mentioned his parents, or Sirius. I nodded, and turned over to Neville. He was looking at me with tears in his eyes and a sorrowful expression on his small face. He sighed every time I looked at him.  
"What's eating Neville?" I spoke softly, trying not to look entirely frightened.  
"Angst fic. Remember? When he looks soppy like that, you're supposed to ignore him."  
I despise my life.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Dinner is the best part of the day. Dinner is the last part of our day, after that, we get to seize what little life we have left away from the fandom until breakfast the next day. The fanfics set at night? Spiffy special effects.  
We all arrived together, had spent the lunch hour uniting with his family to save his brother from a mad dragon. He'd returned unscathed, but with a ravenous appetite. Harry's day was rather dull, nothing out of the ordinary. We were just sitting there and chatting, I was desperately trying not to look at Neville. He just kept looking more bizarre. I looked over my shoulder to avoid looking at him, and when I turned back to my food there was an owl in it.  
It was small, frumpy, and looking altogether miserable. A school owl forced on a night errand.  
"Post should only arrive in the morning, Granger. 20 points from Gryffindor." A familiar voice declared behind me. Lord, not Snape. "Shall we see what it contains?" Things like this that make me glad I haven't gone on a date with him in 3 months.  
"She didn't have any part in it." Harry looked indignant, but Harry doesn't need much of an excuse to be mad at Snape.  
Snape fumbled to open it, inside the small package was a bag of sweets and a little piece of paper. I looked over Snape's shoulder, it simply said, "Thank You."  
Snape threw the contents at me, "So, Granger, is someone finally grateful that you did their homework for them?" He stormed out of the room, which is something he's getting very proficient at.  
Ron muttered around a mouthful of potatoes, "Maybe if he stopped sulking in the dungeons over a cauldron, took the wand out of his ass, and used it, he'd get the DADA job."  
I stick up for teachers, it's like a disease, "Actually, Ron, he's quite the gentleman." Ron shuddered as a response.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
At breakfast the next day, another package arrived. The same message, but inside was a new quill. It was nice too, and I'm normally not one for fancy quills. I'll have to do some research and figure out what spell it has on it, because it has a distinctive feel to it. I suppose I shouldn't accept the gifts, but what are you going to do when they're anonymous?  
I was almost on time to pick up my assignments, except someone was faster.  
"Vell, ve are spending the day together."  
"Viktor?"  
He grinned, "Hermy-own."  
Oh, God. These were always strange. He continued, "You see, since ve are not seeing each other much, ve are spending some time together."  
"There are still Hermione/Viktor shippers? Ouch."  
"It appears so. Shall ve?" He held out his arm, and I took it. There are vorse vays to spend a day.  
Whoops.  
"So, Hermione, where do you want to go?" Krum gestured around the grounds. It looks like somebody forgot his accent. The usually put aside everything about him, which would explain what was next.  
He dropped to both his knees and clasped his hands together, gazing into my eyes. We were drawing a crowd, the leeches. They knew what was next. "Vhy do birds suddenly appear  
  
Every time you are near?  
  
Just like me, they long to be  
  
Close to you"  
Oh God, no. There's a thing about these little singing charades. Just the fact that someone is singing does not mean they have a good voice or can carry a tune. That and the accent comes back, almost always. "Vhy do stars fall down from the sky  
  
every time you valk by?  
  
Just like me, they long to be  
  
Close to you"  
Make it end. Please, make it end. The other students are laughing, the one's that don't have to deal with this. Want to know what happened to Terry Boot? He's with Sally Perks. They are off to a side, holding hands while exploding with laughter. I was shooting venomous glances at them, when Ron made his entrance. He was to the side of the circle of students surrounding us, sitting on a very conspicuous stool. I decided to tune out of Krum's serenade, before I had to hear about how angels made me perfect. "Am I the only one who gets to make you laugh,  
  
Laugh until you cry?  
  
Am I the only one who asks you to go,  
  
Go on without me?  
  
Am I the only one who loves when you leave  
  
your hair down in front of your eyes?"  
This was slightly less nauseating. Slightly. I think the world would be a better place if all three of us could disappear. Eventually, they both finished. Krum turned to me and whispered in my ear, "I must leave you now, but I will return. My precious, my Hermione."  
Great, I'm now not only a Smut-stress, I'm the One Ring.  
Ron traipsed over, "Glad that's over with?"  
"You have no idea." We walked back to Hogwarts for lunch.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
At lunch, I received another package. The same note accompanied by a rather large book. It nearly killed the poor bird that had to carry it. We had an afternoon off to catch up on homework. At dinner, an identical note with a strange floating orb. I took it to the dormitory after dinner, and experimented with it. Finally, when I put out the lights, it burst into a purple flame. When I lit a candle, it put itself out. It followed me around the room when the lights were out. Eventually, I wanted to go to sleep. It wouldn't turn itself out until I called it a twit, but I still liked it. It was comforting, I suppose. At breakfast the next day, yet another package. Another note, it was alone but for a large feather in the bottom in the envelope. There was some sort of spell on it, because the feather stubbornly flew into my hair every thirty minutes for the next three hours. I didn't really get the point, but it made Harry and Ron laugh through breakfast. Ron moaned, "I think they're trying to kill us." He moved his spoon reluctantly through a bowl of lumpy oatmeal. "Get over it, it's just oatmeal." "Harry's right," I said, "It won't kill you." "The house elves must be on strike." Ron snorted. "Well, it would be well deserved. The work those poor...." "Shut it, Hermione," Harry was speaking more at his oatmeal than to me. It was strange; he usually pulled off mornings okay. "Harry, you feeling fine?" He said something inaudible, "Harry, you need to speak up." Harry just shrugged, and my name was called. I had to start something early. I didn't have much of a role in it; I just had to act smart in a few classes. This would eventually drive Ginny over the edge, trying to live up to me so she could attract Harry's attention. My job sucks. I didn't really have anything big to do that day. I played chess with Ron and had a few small roles. Ron always beat me at chess, but he pretty much could beat all of Gryffindor. I also helped Harry with a history essay, in the end I gave up and told him to go look it up. He let out a few obligatory curses as he left the common room to research. "Ron, are you done with your paper yet?" "Actually, yeah. I did it yesterday, it wasn't really that bad." We started talking about school, and it wasn't that bad.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
I got a surprise assignment, and I had to miss lunch. Another outing with Malfoy, always rewarding. He smiled, "Today, you lucky girl, you get to watch me play quidditch." Thankfully, it didn't involve any actual contact with the field, just the bleachers. I had to cheer for him at the match, looking apologetically at Harry and Ron. After the match, he took me to a small clearing just outside the Forbidden Forest. It gave me the creeps, so naturally he liked it. Again, we did another "I've always loved you" charade. It was distinctively miserable. After we spent hours recalling our angst-filled relationship, he finally walked me back to Hogwarts. I walked into the hall and took the main stairs in an effort to get back to my room. It was already dark, I had missed my dinner. I'd have to discuss this with someone; this whole thing is getting in the way of my school work. Hogwarts is a school, not a matchmaker's house. I took the stairs two at a time, trying to escape these memories. I saw I shape move in the shadows and froze. You spend enough time with Harry; you grow accustomed to twitching over shadows. The shape moved out of the shadows, and I recognized the person. I felt the steps move closer to me, and a delicate voice surrounding me, "I sent the packages, to thank you. Just... I don't know, to thank you." I simultaneously felt Draco's arm as it captured me and the shock of Ron's kiss. I saw Neville's desperate eyes and Harry's wistful smile. I saw all the people who were forced into my life, and I looked with a mournful anger into the eyes of the person directly in front of me. "Is this real, or just another fanfic?" 


End file.
